It took me a long time to get to this place. This place where all is right and all is righteous…my brothers and sisters. It started with a need for change. After working low end jobs since I was of legal age, I though I’d give it a go at something more substantial. I wanted money. Actually, I wanted that lifestyle that money provided. I wanted to stop having to save for things, to travel on a whim and eat out with little thought to costs. And I did it. I went to school on my uncle’s dime and got that job and excelled at it. I became successful in the corporate world! Oh wait, the corporate word is a dirty rotten place where people go to die only hoping to be redeemed by their children who end up in the same place. I’m not happy here. My effort did serve at least one purpose. It was the first time I had really accomplished anything at all. I barely escaped high school and did nothing of much after. It was a surprise to me to make it this far at all. But once you get to this precipice, this lofty goal of making the good money you die for everyday, it grants you the perspective of “now what?”. It’s good to do this early in life. So I’m making a comfortable living and working toward a long retirement followed by a hopefully timely death when luckily through a passing interest in meditation, I was able to slow down a second and really think about this train of time slipping by. I think about the things I love; women, the outdoors, good wine, etc… I spend 10 hours a day in a place where these things do not exist and would not be tolerated. Why would I want to stay here any longer? To continue to stroke my ego? My boss says I’m so smart, communicative and a team player!
After a decade or so of this, I run into a camera. You know, one of those nice cameras where you tell yourself, there’s no way I could learn how to use that. The technical aspects are daunting enough before you can even think about being artistic. Another shit-head taking pictures. Good job, you create mediocre crap like everyone else who halfheartedly picks up a camera. Well I ran with it anyway, despite my cynicism. I felt I could grasp it technically at least. In my corporate career, I learned that most people in this world are pretty fucking stupid. People in positions in which they need to be smart. So I figured if these people can function at all in life, I should be able to learn this camera. So I did. And with the help of some good books, and professionals graciously spewing their knowledge of the subject all over the Internet, I learned it well. I could do anything with it. This, I feel is a powerful propellant into the creative realm. Knowing the ins and outs of exposure and such, I was free to explore a world of my own broken rules and run free. People liked my work, stroking my ego again but I really enjoyed this on a personal level. It might have been mediocre crap but it was my mediocre crap. Of course the next step is asking yourself the question; can I make any money at this? Sure, I can shoot what anybody else does. I attended a photography business course and I’m good with people. So what do I want to shoot? What do I want to shoot? What do I want to shoot? Multiply that by a million and that’s how many times I asked myself that question. I dabbled in landscape, portrait, and product. Never was I moved or really proud of my work. It was good but that was it. So we move into fashion. Ok, here we got something. The surreal looks of fashion are inspiring and have no boundaries. And of course the women were incredible. But I still found myself wanting more. It took a long time before I could admit it to myself. What was missing? Why do I feel let down even after the most beautiful shot? I wanted exposure. I don’t really care about apparel or accessories. I love the women. I love their skin, eyes, personalities, everything. I wanted to be exposed to all of that in the most revealing and intimate way. I want to swim it that sweet feminine essence. Once I was able to admit this to myself, I explored nudes in a cautious way. I am really too cautious about most things. The Aquarian in me keeps me from diving in. So I complete my first real nude shoot and wow, I felt like the portrayal of Dexter’s character after he slays a killer. So much peace and gratification. I can feel it flow through my body. I shoot again and again pushing the explicitness of each shoot until finally realizing that the launching point of everything I will ever know in the future is what we label as pornography. Pornography done right is one of the most beautiful things in the world. There are few moments in life where your breath can be taken away at a moments notice. Children and the Grand Canyon not with standing.
So that’s how we got here. Everyone in my head is on board with the truth and we are ready to embark on this journey of a lifetime. My next entry will be about what I plan to do now that I’m here and who has influenced me along the way.